I’ve been a self-improvement junkie for a long time. YouTube videos, books, podcasts, Instagram posts…I consume it all. And in the moment, when I’m listening to Ed Mylett or Brene Brown or Rachel Hollis speak their messages, I’m there. I’m with them. I have meaningful realizations about my own story and practical, helpful recommendations to take away with me. But it doesn’t stick. Even if I scribble down the most impactful lines in a notebook, I can’t seem to hold them in my brain when I’m not looking at the paper. I realize that I am a little baby self-improver, self-actualizer. I’m not there yet. I have heard and read a lot, but I am just scratching the surface on proving these philosophies by practice. I’ve decided to be excited about this fact, although it’s slightly embarrassing that I’ve being consuming this stuff for so long…because it means there is so much possibility still ahead.
Today I listened to yet another fantastic interview by Tom Bilyeu of Impact Theory. It was Vusi Thembekwayo, a South African entrepreneur, venture capitalist, and public speaker. This man said a lot of things that startled me, made me think. But the main takeaway for me was a point he made about self-identity. Most people don’t spend enough time thinking about who they really are. We define ourselves by all of these external things—our gender, our family, the place we live, our religion, our culture, by the things we can and cannot do. Especially that last one. And there is always an opposite to these identifiers, which we may even cling to more than the demonstrable truths. If I say I am short, that means I am not tall. If am not tall, then maybe I don’t pursue volleyball, long dresses, or possibly positions of leadership. If I say I am female, then I am not male. If I am not male, then maybe I don’t pursue making money, building strength, or using aggression when needed. Which of these identifiers matter the most? Which ones truly define who we are as individuals?
Or are the qualities that we can’t exactly define the ones that make us who we are? This question is so important to me right now, as I am realizing that I define myself, at 41 years of age, as not just the person that others view me as, but the person that I THINK they view me as. Ah! This is such a problem. For example, in my head, I believe that my mother thinks I’m a failure and I’m going to hell because I am divorced and I didn’t fulfill her only expectations of me—to be a moral woman and a good mother. And I think my boyfriend thinks I’m a pain in the ass and too much work to deal with because, well, that was basically what my father expressed to me in adolescence and my ex-husband expressed to me in marriage. And I assume that my boss thinks that I’m not working hard enough because I don’t put in the same hours that he does (he’s a single young guy with no distractions to his career while I’m a single tired mom running around with two kids all work week). Which translates into me identifying myself as an inadequate employee not deserving of a raise or special treatment. (I actually told him last week that I thought my pay was fair and wasn’t looking for a big raise!) And I expect that my sons, at 10 and 12, will surely start hating me soon, because that’s what I experienced in my family of origin at that age, when my adopted brother with a troubled past turned against me with hate and violent threats. How fun is it to be me??
“No bird soars too high if he soars with his own wings.”
– William Blake
Thank God I believe in the possibility of change, always. Don’t ever let anyone tell you that there’s no good reason for the way you feel or act, because there are so many good reasons…but it’s on us to choose whether or not we let those reasons control us. While I don’t consciously think about all of these things every hour of the day, I’m realizing that they are quietly playing on a loop in the back of my head. It’s one thing for me to be aware of these supposed “truths” that I believe in, but it’s another for me to allow them to completely define who I am, which is what I think I’ve been doing. The implications are staggering. If I define myself by these negative opinions that I believe others have of me and my actions in the past, then how I can show up as “my best self”? I can’t. The person who thinks she is a helpless sinner, a bad mother, and an even worse employee takes steps each day that are full of shame, not full of potential. If you believe that not being able to sing well is part of your identity, you won’t volunteer to sing in the choir at church. You might avoid church all together. If you believe that you are a terrible cook, you won’t invite your friends over for a homecooked meal. And if you believe that you have already screwed up at the chance this life has given you…why would you try to get a different result? It’s not who you are.
So then what is our identity, if it’s not what others perceive in us, it’s not the place we’re from or the way that we look? Maybe it’s not even the thoughts in our head or the words that we speak. Maybe this thing called identity is something that we create, and it’s an ever-moving target. What if, instead of accepting the characteristics that we use to describe ourselves as our identity, we wake up each day as a blank slate. What if we would close our eyes, meditate, pray, focus, etc…and imagine the way we wanted our identity to take shape. Everything starts with an idea, right? And then we embrace the extreme malleability of our existence that we are blessed with as proof that no matter where we have been and what we have done, we have the possibility to shift and to grow in a million different directions. Maybe all humans on this earth are really the same person, just expressed in different ways.
Back to Vusi Thembekwayo. He talked a lot about his mother, and what a positive force she was for him in his life. His father died when he was a teen, and money was extremely tight for him and his siblings. He wanted to excel and achieve, and his mother supported that, but with the adage that he needed to be the best at what he did because every dollar that she spent on lessons and extracurricular activities was money taken away from groceries for the family. So he was driven to reach his full potential from a very young age, mostly at his mother’s prodding, to not make waste of the sacrifices she made for his success. Success and being the best at everything he did was always his goal, and it was always her expectation. She would take nothing less. As an adolescent, she grilled him daily about not just whether he had done enough studying and adequately practiced his sports and music, but had cleaned his room, polished his shoes, and pressed his clothes. Nothing but the best in every area of life. The real reason, Vusi explained, that she demanded such high standards of him, was because she believed in his potential for greatness so hard. So she forced greatness out of him; she demanded it. He said that it was an incredible gift to have a mother that believed in him that much.
You will make a lousy anybody else, but you will be the best “you” in existence.”
– Zig Ziglar
I see that as not just an incredible gift, but the greatest one. When I was growing up, I always knew that my mother had great expectations for me and great interest in what God’s plan would be for me, but not measured by my success in the world. She had only one stick of measurement—holiness. She cared not about the excellent grades and awards I received, the athletic accomplishments, the leadership roles, the creativity I wanted to explore…she cared about morality. Her benchmark of success as a mother was that her daughter would grow to be an extremely moral woman, love God, and be a great mom.
Yes, I came from a super Catholic family. And I bought into those ideals for the most part, but…I wanted so much more. I wanted to be recognized for my brains, my determination, my creativity. I wanted people to expect me to do great things because I was capable of doing them. And I never understood, and still don’t to this day, how the main purpose of a woman’s life could be simply to raise other lives. If that cycle would continue…women living to raise children, who then have girls who live to raise children…no one would be doing the LIVING except men! I just don’t get it.
So if I choose not to be the person anymore that is overwhelmed by the judgement and expectation of others, self-defeated, and barely scraping the surface at her limit of potential, who am I? I’m not sure I even know where to start. Let’s start with who I am not: I am not a bad mother. I do not have needs that are too great for a relationship. I am not a lazy employee. I don’t know if I’m going to hell, but I do not have an evil soul. Deep breath.
