Today I woke up without my power. I don’t know what I did wrong. Monday and Tuesday, I was on point, waking up by 5:00 a.m., tackling very long to-do lists with laser focus and going to bed feeling good about the day. But here comes hump day like a brick wall. I overslept, so I had to leap out of bed when my emergency alarm went off at 6:05, in just enough time to get the kids up and not be late for 7:00 a.m. band practice (but then we were late anyway because of an accident on the roadway). And then I weighed myself, expecting to see some sort of declining trajectory, but instead, it flashed me the highest weight that I’ve been in the past year, the one I keep getting 2-3 pounds away from, and then it catches back up to me. I’m fasting, I’m eating low carb, I’m working out 6 days a week…I’m putting so much effort into this elusive goal of being fit that never seems to get closer. My neck and shoulders are sore from yesterday’s pushups. I’m groggy. I’m frustrated. I need help.
The experts say that the way forward is to focus on the actions, not the results. But what does this mean practically? I go back to the gym today. I read fives pages of a book. I write for 30 minutes. I buy the tools for the home project I never seem to start. Ok. But why? I still feel the struggle.
You could potentially fill all the hours of your day with this goal of taking the next step. Is this what living is really all about, activity? And who cares if the results never come? This sounds kind of depressing to me, like God said, “Here you go, here is this life. It really doesn’t matter what you achieve in the end, just stay busy and work on something.” There must be something I’m missing here.
I spend most of my life being very, very busy. It’s like I’m trying to prove that my existence is worthwhile by trying to create a physical result of me being here. The house is clean, dinner is tasty and fresh, accounts are up to date, the shopping is done. But I never feel like I’ve quite accomplished that goal of making my existence worthwhile because those tasks are vapid. Perhaps that’s because these actions don’t lead to long term results, only short-term ones. The actions that I need to focus on continually taking are the daily, consistent actions that lead to something great in the long term. But which ones are those? You could potentially argue that my clean house and good meals are leading to the long-term goal of raising two happy, successful young men.
Never mistake motion for action.
– Ernest Hemingway
I’ve heard people reference the Spanish architect Gaudi around this topic. That he spent the last 40 years of his life working on the design of a cathedral that would not be completed during his lifetime. It was less than a quarter complete at the time of his death. There must be many people on this earth who have put their efforts into endeavors whose completion they would never see in their lifetimes…otherwise our society would not accomplish great feats. But for me, other than parenting, I don’t know if I have the fortitude to do that kind of work…however, I’m afraid it’s the idea I should be chasing.
Life is about the journey, right? That’s where all the magic happens, in the struggle, in the waiting, in the progress. And the simple act of making progress in general has been known to make a human happy. I have experienced that. But there must be a line drawn between what constitutes as making progress on one’s “life work,” and what constitutes simple busy-ness. For me, it’s hard to find the beauty in focusing on the actions of activities that are required daily, like cooking and cleaning and running errands. You cross them off the list today, and they just reappear tomorrow. It’s hamster wheel type of accomplishment that there’s no glory in, even if these things have to be done. There are bigger and better places that I believe I should be putting in the daily actions without dwelling on the lack of results, because the results are so big and bold that they could only come with long-term effort. Those are the goals I need to make, without doubt or fear about what I will have to do to get there. I need to put my wildest dreams down on paper and start taking single steps in their direction. This is where I’ll find meaning in my existence, proof that my life has purpose, satisfaction in the daily focus on action because of the long-term promise of results. It’s a natural human desire to want to leave some sort of legacy.
The crazy thing is that I’m not even sure what those goals are because I don’t allow myself to think that big! I consume my thoughts with these damn daily actions and short-term goals like reading a book or saving money for vacation.
