Today is Ash Wednesday, the first day of Lent. I’ve made this commitment before, but this time I mean it. I am embarking on 40 days of change. Real change. The kind that will take pain and suffering to get through. The kind that I won’t feel like doing most days, because it’s uncomfortable or inconvenient. But I actually believe myself this time when I say, I am finally ready to change my ways.
I think Tony Robbins was the first person I heard make the statement that in order to force change, you have to get to the point where the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of growth. That’s where I am now. I feel like I keep living the same day over and over again, disappointed in the way it begins (not early enough, not starting with the most important things, tired/hungover), and eventually succumbing to the way that it ends (wishing I had done things differently, never chasing my dreams, on the couch with a glass of wine again). Brushing my teeth, staring in the mirror, making my plans for the next day, strategizing on how I will “eat that frog” as highly productive people do first thing in the morning instead of putting it off. And eight hours later, there I am again in the mirror, somehow looking more tired than the night before, disappointed already in the weight on the scale, the time on the clock. Defeated by 8:00 a.m.! My own self-perpetuating daily cycle of defeat. It’s no wonder I don’t chase my dreams. I’m barely chasing the kids out of the house on time after starting the day with that battle.
Change happens when the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of change.
– Tony Robbins
I could blame this embarrassing situation on my single motherhood. Single mom-ing ain’t easy, as too many of us know. But it’s not impossible. And let’s be honest, the kids are with dad (in my case) usually three nights a week, so what the hell am I doing with that time? (Answer: Shopping, errands. Then wine on the couch.)
I have so many questions about why I am the way that I am. Why do I crave change, yet want it to happen while I’m not looking? Why do I always feel like I have something to hide? Why do I get nervous when older male authority figures talk to me at work? Why do I feel constantly at war with my body? Why don’t I have more money? Why don’t I have girlfriends? Why do I lie about the stupidest little things so often, like what I ate for breakfast?!?
It’s shame. Shame is at the root of all of these incongruencies between who I want to be and who I really am. It’s somehow preventing me from being “my best self” or “my authentic self”…lofty, idyllic expressions of uniqueness that supposedly, when attained, bring days full of joy, accomplishment, and peace. If only you can attain it.
So that’s what I’m after. That’s what my 40 days of change, at 41 years old, are about. I could call it “being the best version of myself,” but honestly, that sounds like too much fun. I don’t think this is going to be fun. This is going to be all kinds of uncomfortable, sad, facing my myself in an honest way and letting the memories, the emotions, and all of the things I’m ashamed of come to the surface, without the wine to make it feel okay. According to the experts (trust me, I’m an expert-seeking junkie), that’s what I need to do, to come out on the other side and leave it all behind. You have to understand all of the history that brought you to this very moment, making you who you are today and who you have been in the past. And then you have the power to choose another path.
