There’s a term called cognitive dissonance that’s defined as “the state of having inconsistent thoughts, beliefs, or attitudes, especially as relating to behavioral decisions and attitude change.” In other words, when your intentions and your actions don’t line up. Or you want both to quit something and don’t want to quit something. You want to move on but you don’t want to let go. You sabotage yourself every time you try. I don’t know why this is even a thing, but it has me.
Let’s forget about the bad productivity habits that I loathe but won’t give up, like hitting the snooze for 45 minutes in the morning, or the nasty thoughts that I permit to circulate in my brain about the ways I’ve been hurt in the past or negative self-talk, let’s focus on the ones that are directly impacting my health: sugar, diet coke, alcohol, caffeine, veggie straws, hydration, stress, sleep. Daily, I notice how the presence or lack of these things are preventing me, on some level, from being the healthy, high-performance woman that I want to be, but I don’t walk away. I’m even known to say “I shouldn’t be doing this” while doing it! It’s choosing some sort of momentary blip of pleasure at the expense of long-term happiness. Why, self, why??
We humans are so damn committed to staying comfortable! I suppose it’s a survival mechanism, but the truth is that we would actually gain so much from suffering, if we would just let ourselves do it. You could even argue that it’s the only way to grow in a meaningful way. But forcing yourself to step out, commit to making all the right choices that will lead you to your desired state, is so freaking hard.
Recently, I decided to “go all in” at trying to lose my quarantine weight gain. It was a big moment for me to realize that all of my past attempts to try to lose weight were not valid attempts. I was “trying” to some degree, but not with all of my decisions, only some. I tried at breakfast but quit trying when I wanted something sweet in the afternoon. I tried by working out a lot, but didn’t try by running myself ragged with exhaustion and stress. And I made no progress as a result. So this time, I fully committed. Every decision I would make, I told myself, would be in alignment with my goals, from morning until bedtime. And it worked.
During this process, I made the extremely conscious decision to pay attention to my body and to let go of things that weren’t good for it. Every day at lunch, I CRAVED a diet coke with vengeance. After a savory meal, I was dying for that rush I feel when I take the first sweet sip, the coolness, the bite of the fizz, the smooth feeling of it going down. Thankfully, I had removed it from the house, so my main battle was in the decision to leave the house and go buy one somewhere. But committed to my purpose, I had a La Croix instead, and I noticed that the craving would only last for about 30 minutes. Over time, I realized that that craving was actually more about blood sugar. I was intermittent fasting, so lunch was my first meal of the day. I learned that I felt best if I broke my fast with a high protein/fat and low carb first meal. But after eating that, my body was looking for something to raise the blood sugar. So I ate fruit, and magically, I felt much better and the craving went away.
I always get to where I’m going by walking away from where I’ve been.
– Winnie the Pooh
The whole experience made me realize how much I use food, flavors, and chemicals to adjust the way that I feel. I’m a sensual person, meaning I get much pleasure out of using my senses. But maybe I don’t have to use them to change what’s going on inside my head. Maybe I can do this with my brain.
I think that the most difficult part of letting go of things that you know don’t serve you, is that you’re afraid you won’t get that feeling anymore that you get from that thing, however briefly it comes and goes. If I quit coffee, I’d be afraid I wouldn’t get an energy boost in the morning. If I gave up wine, I’d be afraid that I wouldn’t be able to relax in the evening and would have a hard time going to sleep. And these things would probably be true for a period of time. There would be a transition period until my glorious, adaptable brain figured out another way to get me in the exact state that I was seeking. It totally has that power. And what might I gain on the other side? There must be the promise of some sort of reward to let go of something that you like on some level, even if it doesn’t serve you. Maybe the reward could be simply letting go of all of the thing’s negative side effects.
Some time after my dieting experiment, I went on a solo road trip for a couple days. I was so excited to indulge myself and do whatever I wanted to do whenever I wanted. I arrived at my destination before lunch and did some shopping for a couple hours. I was starving but not in a good location to eat lunch yet. So I stopped at a gas station and got some veggie straws and…a diet coke. First time in a while, from the fountain like I love it. The first few sips were delicious, although I did note that they weren’t quite as delicious as they used to be. But I kept going. About 10 minutes into it, my stomach started cramping in a way that left me breathless. I didn’t take another sip, but I did have to stop at a truck stop restroom to relieve myself. And again at a store. Actually, twice at that store. And at a restaurant after that, although I never did eat lunch because I felt so bad. The proof was loud and clear: diet coke does not serve me anymore.
I’ve heard that it’s this way for people with gluten intolerances. Once they give it up completely, they become much more sensitive to it, and their reactions are extreme if it is reintroduced, much worse than before, when they were having it on a regular basis. I guess this is me with the diet coke.
